Friday, December 23, 2005

Happy Christmas

Well its that time of year where a lot of people celebrate Christmas and New Year. I for one will be spending time with my family over the festive period, mainly consisting of eating a lot and consuming alcohol. Along with actually being able to spend time with the Mrs.

I don't actually spend that much time with the Mrs due to my shift pattern and the fact she works "Normal" hours. Usually i am sleeping while she is here or i will be working or she will be working. So this will make a nice change.

I will be socialising with the family down the pub having a few drinks.

Coming home and relaxing.

That is my Christmas but for many family's their Christmas will be different, there Xmas will consist of drinking to excess throughout the day, having a "row" with someone usually the other half and calling the police to sort it out as we are there to mend broken relationships, calm down drunks and make peace among the chavs on the estates.

Now they will be sadly mistaken luckily i will not be working over xmas this year but the officers that are will be taking quite a harsh stance with the view of "locking them up" if they cause grief over xmas. This is never a better time to have an impact on those that wind us up all year long.

Ever wandered why no warrants get executed in the run up to Christmas?? Well the reason is we do it over the bank holidays keep you in custody until the next available court date ie Wednesday!

All that grief we get over the year attending calls to chav households, getting hit, abused and shouted at. Now its payback time!

You see, the Police generally are a good bunch, we do our jobs and enjoy it. We lock up those that need locking up and give "suitable advice" to those that don't need locking up.

But our charity runs out at the end of the year. Every time you tell us how to do our jobs, call us all sorts of names, throw things at us and generally abuse us, it all gets logged and noted because what goes around comes around. And Christmas is the time of goodwill to all men "and women" and what better time than at the end of the year to level the score and start a fresh in January.

Have a happy Christmas.


Hi all,

Apparently there is this new section of PACE (Police and Criminal Evidence Act) called code G that comes into effect on 1st January 2006. This is a big overhaul of our powers of arrest and will effect every police officer that makes an arrest.

Apparently every offence is arrestable if it passes the necessity test.

You would have thought that such a big change would have meant lots of training for us police officers.

Well you will be surprised to know that our forces training dept were dragging their heels. 3 training sessions were provided to train every officer in my area. The first i was on annual leave (gotta take some time off sometime eh!) the second session that i had to attend was 6 hours after i finished work. I came off nights and finished work at about 1 am and they wanted me back at 7 am to train (No chance) The third session i am on a rest day, now i would attend but i am not going to be paid for it so i will be using a day off to go into work to do the training. Hmmm decisions decisions.

Luckily i have preempted this and the people at training were quite good about it saying "don't come in on your rest day, we'll sort it out in the new year after the changes come into effect" This is good for me as i don't loose a rest day. But what about arresting people???

Another well thought plan by my police force!


Monday, December 05, 2005

Court Room Hilarity

And here are some quotes from the court room of stupid questions we have to put up with from smart arsed solicitors.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give usan example of something that you'veforgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke upthat morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or theoccult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q:Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, hedoesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the barexam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morningpursuant to a deposition noticewhich I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did youcheck for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began theautopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing lawsomewhere



I have decided that a little light humour is needed in light of recent events and have found some good stuff.

This is from Metpol Crime reports and details some of the notes made by officers showing not only a sense of humour but some apauling spelling and grammar!

A four foot wall surrounded the garden which was approximately 3ft high.

Mr Grey would be able to recognize them from the back only and if they wore the some clothing.

The suspect gained entry by climbing into the victims rear.

Victim would recognised ger handbag again as the shoulder strap is chewn.

Scene closed and cleaned. victim seen in hospital.It would appear an artry or something else was pierced due to the amount of blood lost.

vehicle was blocking the road so they stopped and a cue formed behind them.

The victim only has a home phone number, if there is no answer that means he aint there.

Incident witnessed by suspect as he was there at the time

The window was smashed leaving the glass unbroken.

METHOD: By snatching victims hand.

Police arrive and are met by a non speaking male who could only state, "black man's took bike"

The ex-partner did not the supect there and he was advised to leave by police. The suspect became towards police when asked to leave.

Officers attended the venue and after much searching found both victims sat in the lounge.

What happened was that the victims car was broked into and various bits stolen.

It appears the suspect has kicked open the front door and then climbed through the window.

the victim believes someone is responsible for stealing from her car.

The victim last saw his phone parked outside his house at 2200

At 2358hrs she was arrested and cautioned for loitering for the purpose of prostitution she was cautioned and replied," will it be a quick in and out!"

After investigation it was found to be a straightforward deception. Arrested and conveyed to Mars the facts were conveyed to the custody officer.

It would appear that this incident has stemmed from a dispute about a lollipop.

Victim fearing for his safety ran into the road, where he was hit by an oncoming SOUTHBOUND vehicle.

it would be possible for the gate to be unbolted as it had a bolt on it.

Victim states that the suspect spoke like "frank spencer" and believed he was "simple".

Victims wheelchair was stolen from the front garden. She has only reported it becasue of the need for a crime reference number for getting her new wheels.

Suspect has lobbed a stone at the window busting it to bits.

Victim states he does not have a telephone number, will contact us to let us know what it is.

On his arrival back home that evening the front door was a jar.

asked victim if he could use his phone to call his brother, victim handed over the phone and suspect then fell into a bush

Injury Description: booze on the left side of his fore head - right side is boozed and scratched from being kicked

The suspects were eliminated due to unable to prove that it was them and not this fourth imaginary person.

subject had in his possession a silver pen knife which gave no reply when arrested

FORENSICS: No point as we don't know who did it.

Victim then went upstairs and got suspects 2 mobile phones and hung them out of the window, suspect then went upstairs and hung victim out of the window.

Request that this report is closed due to the victim not wanting to persue with the allegation and has reclined to provide police with a statement.

In view of the believed method of entry, the only realistic security advice I can give is to shut the door.

The officer has handed over £20 in cash in exchange for class A drugs and the accused has decamped.

Accused admitted offence and was remoprsefull.

The suspect was apparently out drinking when the victim called him to bring back a lemon. The suspect arrived home drunk & demanded to know why the victim wanted an onion.

The suspect began to harrass the victim by saying thongs through her letter box and knocking her door.

Sarah finished School at 12pm and went to a friends party she returned home at 18pm.

The suspect had a thing face and smelt badly of Sweat.

On speaking to her she said a balck man pulled a knife out on her boyfriend so he throw a car at him, and they both drove off as they were worried.

Officers went over to the male who appeared to be asleep and attempted to arouse him but he was not responding.

Knife found under drivers seat foot well matt of a vehicle being used for mini crabbing by driver

the suspect had bail condition not to go to the premises or contact himself

Suspect 2 gave a full and frank no comment interview.

Informant states that his vehicle was damaged by suspect sctratching the bonnet and complete nearside with a sharp object.

Victim believes he knows who the suspects may be, at this stage he is reluctant to provide details, untill he is able to obtain further evidence.Victim has now placed a video camera in his bathroom to record any activity.

When arrested he stated " I was not driving, I was only parking it here ".

The travelers were two women and two men with a large group of children. all aged approximately 40.

The shop is located behind the security shutters which are at the front of the shop.

The victim is registered blind from birth and cannot give a very good discription of the suspect other than he was wearing a stripped top and was well spoken.

After arrest the Police searched the kitchen and found a kitchen knife and was taken by police.

Victim states that after the assault, she tried to reset her own nose, causing it to bleed profusely and realised it was a silly thing to do.

Victim was approached from behind by unknown suspects knife held to his trout

The damage is a small one inch near lock forced bit of wooden door.

Mr X was standing outside the location with blood over his face he stated that he had been in the bar area drinking when he had gone to the bar and was approached by two(2) males who were giving it LARGE

The victim has only liited use of English language. English speak very difficult to underhand

suspect removed his arm and was struggling to get his breath.Suspect was wearing a black beret and comfortable black leather shoes.