Humour

I have decided that a little light humour is needed in light of recent events and have found some good stuff.

This is from Metpol Crime reports and details some of the notes made by officers showing not only a sense of humour but some apauling spelling and grammar!

A four foot wall surrounded the garden which was approximately 3ft high.

Mr Grey would be able to recognize them from the back only and if they wore the some clothing.

The suspect gained entry by climbing into the victims rear.

Victim would recognised ger handbag again as the shoulder strap is chewn.

Scene closed and cleaned. victim seen in hospital.It would appear an artry or something else was pierced due to the amount of blood lost.

vehicle was blocking the road so they stopped and a cue formed behind them.

The victim only has a home phone number, if there is no answer that means he aint there.

Incident witnessed by suspect as he was there at the time

The window was smashed leaving the glass unbroken.

METHOD: By snatching victims hand.

Police arrive and are met by a non speaking male who could only state, "black man's took bike"

The ex-partner did not the supect there and he was advised to leave by police. The suspect became towards police when asked to leave.

Officers attended the venue and after much searching found both victims sat in the lounge.

What happened was that the victims car was broked into and various bits stolen.

It appears the suspect has kicked open the front door and then climbed through the window.

the victim believes someone is responsible for stealing from her car.

The victim last saw his phone parked outside his house at 2200

At 2358hrs she was arrested and cautioned for loitering for the purpose of prostitution she was cautioned and replied," will it be a quick in and out!"

After investigation it was found to be a straightforward deception. Arrested and conveyed to Mars the facts were conveyed to the custody officer.

It would appear that this incident has stemmed from a dispute about a lollipop.

Victim fearing for his safety ran into the road, where he was hit by an oncoming SOUTHBOUND vehicle.

it would be possible for the gate to be unbolted as it had a bolt on it.

Victim states that the suspect spoke like "frank spencer" and believed he was "simple".

Victims wheelchair was stolen from the front garden. She has only reported it becasue of the need for a crime reference number for getting her new wheels.

Suspect has lobbed a stone at the window busting it to bits.

Victim states he does not have a telephone number, will contact us to let us know what it is.

On his arrival back home that evening the front door was a jar.

asked victim if he could use his phone to call his brother, victim handed over the phone and suspect then fell into a bush

Injury Description: booze on the left side of his fore head - right side is boozed and scratched from being kicked

The suspects were eliminated due to unable to prove that it was them and not this fourth imaginary person.

subject had in his possession a silver pen knife which gave no reply when arrested

FORENSICS: No point as we don't know who did it.

Victim then went upstairs and got suspects 2 mobile phones and hung them out of the window, suspect then went upstairs and hung victim out of the window.

Request that this report is closed due to the victim not wanting to persue with the allegation and has reclined to provide police with a statement.

In view of the believed method of entry, the only realistic security advice I can give is to shut the door.

The officer has handed over £20 in cash in exchange for class A drugs and the accused has decamped.

Accused admitted offence and was remoprsefull.

The suspect was apparently out drinking when the victim called him to bring back a lemon. The suspect arrived home drunk & demanded to know why the victim wanted an onion.

The suspect began to harrass the victim by saying thongs through her letter box and knocking her door.

Sarah finished School at 12pm and went to a friends party she returned home at 18pm.

The suspect had a thing face and smelt badly of Sweat.

On speaking to her she said a balck man pulled a knife out on her boyfriend so he throw a car at him, and they both drove off as they were worried.

Officers went over to the male who appeared to be asleep and attempted to arouse him but he was not responding.

Knife found under drivers seat foot well matt of a vehicle being used for mini crabbing by driver

the suspect had bail condition not to go to the premises or contact himself

Suspect 2 gave a full and frank no comment interview.

Informant states that his vehicle was damaged by suspect sctratching the bonnet and complete nearside with a sharp object.

Victim believes he knows who the suspects may be, at this stage he is reluctant to provide details, untill he is able to obtain further evidence.Victim has now placed a video camera in his bathroom to record any activity.

When arrested he stated " I was not driving, I was only parking it here ".

The travelers were two women and two men with a large group of children. all aged approximately 40.

The shop is located behind the security shutters which are at the front of the shop.

The victim is registered blind from birth and cannot give a very good discription of the suspect other than he was wearing a stripped top and was well spoken.

After arrest the Police searched the kitchen and found a kitchen knife and was taken by police.

Victim states that after the assault, she tried to reset her own nose, causing it to bleed profusely and realised it was a silly thing to do.

Victim was approached from behind by unknown suspects knife held to his trout

The damage is a small one inch near lock forced bit of wooden door.

Mr X was standing outside the location with blood over his face he stated that he had been in the bar area drinking when he had gone to the bar and was approached by two(2) males who were giving it LARGE

The victim has only liited use of English language. English speak very difficult to underhand

suspect removed his arm and was struggling to get his breath.Suspect was wearing a black beret and comfortable black leather shoes.

JS